Updated: Apr 27
You were made for life. Alive, breathing, but not just in a surviving kind of way. It’s interesting seeing what the word alive means. If you look it up, I’m sure you won’t be shocked to find that it means living, not dead. That’s not all though. Keep reading. It means alert and active. With interest and meaning. Aware of and interested in; responsive to. Alive is not simply not dead. Alive is so full of life, it’s teaming with life like the ocean teaming with fish.
I got that after praying on Thursday. It’d been a rough few days. I can’t say I’ve experienced depression like many have, but last week, I just couldn’t understand why I’m even here. I felt broken and completely out of control. It was the culmination of years of being confident that adulting wouldn’t be too hard hit with the hard-faced reality that there are a lot of things out of my control and I may not be the most responsible person out there. At least not financially speaking.
Honestly a struggle for me has been this circling lie that God didn’t choose me. That he’s annoyed with me and doesn’t want me because I rejected him too long in my younger years. Because I’ve let my family down, I’ll never please him. I know all the do’s, church kid answers, and expectations. It’s easy enough to know what people see of me is probably a bit more picture perfect than reality (aside from my closest friends and family).
The more I try to succeed, the more I fail. I try to be responsible, then McDonald’s looks yummy and I splurge. I should be getting school work done, but maybe after wasting half the day on social media. My room needs picking up, laundry needs to get done, it’s my dish day. Oh the things I don’t get done, the times I snap react and let everyone around me down.
I felt like a failure. I’ve been constantly needing to ask for help. I’ve been the irresponsible, dependent type, even though the plan was independence. Often, it turns into pretending everything is okay because I let my pride get in the way. By God’s grace I have some great friends who’ve stuck with me in my hot-mess, cocky, and irresponsible moments.
How in the world could God possibly want me? Everywhere I go, everything I touch seems to crumble. I mean no joke, I burnt spaghetti noodles, who even does that? The thing is, God has not planned for anyone to fail. He doesn’t desire it. He didn’t make us just to watch us fail. He made us with a unique purpose in mind.
I feel I’m learning dependence this year. Strange as it sounds, I need to be dependent on God. I need to trust his plans, that he will spring life and help me turn my hot mess around. I can’t do it if I go it alone. No one can if we’re honest. Somehow I thought the only way he’d love me was if I proved myself. Proved that I was capable of pulling myself out of my brokenness. Proved that I don’t need anyone. Or if I couldn’t maybe I was destined to be unsuccessful. Maybe he wanted me to live in need and broken. Hurting instead of healing because I’m not good enough.
It isn’t true. It’s his will that we’re healed. He wants us to prosper. He doesn’t send hardship or pain. (it may be self-inflicted as often the case with me) He sends joy, hope. ‘Every good and perfect gift’. He’s the worker of miracles. Making all things work for good even if they are very bad things.
He wants you to be alive. He’ll help you get past your roadblocks. Not that it’ll all be smooth sailing, I still got my struggles, but God wants me free. He wants you free and I think that’s the coolest thing. You are so worthy and loved. When you fail, don’t let it define you. God doesn’t make failures and he made you so… Trust him step by step. Even if it’s baby steps. A lot of things happen in life that don’t make sense. Maybe in parts of your life you’ve wondered if God really want’s you after all you’ve been through, done, or had happen to you.
He made me with a purpose.He made you with a purpose, specific and special to you. He made me to live in freedom, truth, love, and life. And he made you to experience the same So whatever you do today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, do it alive. Don’t beat on yourself when you burn the spaghetti noodles, we all do it (Metaphorically, I’m sure y’all are great cooks). It isn’t the end. Don’t live in it. God still loves you and he’ll help you up. 🙂